What Was Lost
by SpikesKat
Chapter 10
Angel sat there smoking his cigarette, unsure how to begin. Spike, surprisingly,
seemed inclined to let him, staring off at the waves crashing onto the shore as
Angel gathered his thoughts. The silence, while not exactly comfortable, wasn’t
outright hostile either.
He finished his cigarette and flicked it away. Watched as the glowing ember
arced and was snuffed by the sand several feet away. He wanted another one as it
gave him something to do with his hands.
“Let’s take a walk,” Angel announced abruptly and stood. He waited as Spike
looked in his direction, shrugged, then reluctantly got to his feet.
Together they headed towards the water’s edge, close enough so that the sand was
hard enough not to make walking awkward, but far enough away to avoid getting
wet.
“You’re looking good. Better, I mean,” Angel said after some time. He took
another handful of steps before he realized that Spike had stopped.
“We’ve been over this already,” Spike said when Angel turned around and closed
the distance.
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just…” His voice trailed off, and he stared down at his
feet, unsure how to explain his riotous emotions. How, for once, both demon and
soul were in accord, aching for Spike upon having noticed his ghastly
appearance.
When he looked back up, Spike was standing with his arms crossed over his chest,
his expression bordering on hostile. “Sorry.”
“Quit bloody apologizing and just tell me why you’re here.”
“I was worried about you.” He ignored Spike’s snort of derision and added, “And
I promised Buffy I’d try to find you.”
Angel tensed, waiting for the backlash, but Spike just stared back at him, his
brows drawn together in a frown. He took that as a sign to continue.
“She misses you. She barely eats or sleeps, and that even before she found out
you’d come back. It’s worse now. A lot worse.” He didn’t add that Buffy was
practically willing herself to die. That each day he returned to the hotel and
told her of his failed attempts at finding Spike, she slipped further away. “She
loves you—”
“Don’t speak to me of love!” Spike snarled. In his mind, all he saw was the kiss
Buffy and Angel had shared the morning after they’d spent the night together,
how he was taunted with their relationship for years on end while in hell.
“But Spike!”
“No!” Spike took a step back, putting distance between him and Angel. “Forget
it, Angel. I’m not going back. Ever. Not for you. Not for her. Not for anyone.
I’m done.”
“I thought you loved her. Spike—”
“Love?”
Spike’s bark of laughter seemed tinged with madness and Angel had to wonder, if
in fact, Spike was indeed better. He didn’t have time to ask because Spike was
talking again.
“The love inside me died when I burned up in the hellmouth. There is no love,
Angelus.”
The walls were closing in on Spike. He could feel Angel’s confusion like a
palpable thing, and threw out his trump card, the one thing sure to get him to
leave, if not stake Spike outright.
“The soul is gone, Angel.”
He turned and walked away, Buffy’s taunting sneer ringing in his ears.
‘You can’t love without a soul.’
He didn’t see the pain etched on Angel’s face, the way his shoulders slumped as
if unable to carry the burden of Spike’s truth.
~*~*~*~*~
Angel watched Spike walk off and waited a minute before following him at a safe
distance. He was shocked to see him return to the club. Sighing, unsure what to
do with the information he now had at hand, Angel reluctantly returned to his
hotel.
Rather than bother attempting to sleep – impossible after Spike’s bombshell – he
sat in one of the chairs and brooded.
The sun was high in the sky and he was still no closer to a solution. Cursing
Spike with a soul was out of the question. As was Spike going off to Africa to
regain his soul. Angel had read up on the trials Spike had endured and knew that
only one boon was ever granted.
Besides which, Spike seemed happy with the way things were. He’d created a
little niche for himself here in Myrtle Beach, far away from anyone he’d known
in the recent past. And by all
appearances, he wasn’t killing.
But, at this point, he couldn’t or wouldn’t begrudge Spike for acting the demon.
His thoughts soon turned to Xander, and the only conclusion he could come up
with was that his arrival in Myrtle Beach must have been a fluke. Spike hadn’t
mentioned the boy, and Angel figured that Xander had already moved on. It was
doubtful Xander would say anything to Buffy or anyone else, especially given his
feelings towards what he’d often referred to as the “blond-headed pest”. Xander
surely hadn’t caved even with his own less than subtle request for information.
If only Angel had not seen the brief glimmer of pain in Spike’s eyes when he’d
said the soul was gone, he could have left Spike to his new life without the
crushing weight in his chest, and a desperate need to fix things.
Though, he was just going to have to live with the pain, because not for one
second did he contemplate telling Buffy of his find.
Spike had suffered enough.
His thoughts heavy, Angel made a call to his pilot, telling him log a flight
plan for their return trip to Los Angeles for later that evening and that he’d
be at the airport after the sun went down.
It was time for him to get back to work.
~*~*~*~*~
Spike watched the Lear jet gain speed and lift up into the sky. It banked
westward and was soon out of sight, and Spike silently bade goodbye to his sire
for the last time.
He’d taken his time returning to the place he called home, waiting for the blow
that would end his existence.
It had never come.
Instead, he’d felt Angel’s unobtrusive presence at his back until he’d slipped
inside the kitchen door and turned the lock. Then it was gone and Spike had been
alone.
Now, as he looked at the spot where Angel’s plane had disappeared, Spike knew
that he would never see Angel again. Angel would go back to his life of helping
the helpless and forget all about having ever seen him.
If only he could have made Harris do the same.
Unfortunately for him, the boy seemed set on sticking around. And worse, being
Spike’s friend.
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