Unaffected

there never seems to be
because what I believe
a moment i’m not trying

I think I first got it into my head when Red did that spell. For one day - for just a little while - I was truly happy, even if it had involved a bit of magic. Something I bloody well hate because it always has consequences. But, for once we weren’t bickering or fighting, or any of the other things we usually did to pretend there wasn’t a spark, some kind of connection between us. After all, you were the vampire slayer, and I, I was a vampire.  Two things that were never meant to co-exist peacefully. Yet we did. If only for a little while that day.

Once things went back to normal – or what could only be called normal for a chipped vampire – I watched you, the watcher, and the Scoobies too, for that matter. I was obsessed, and I was far from patient. Anything for this, another chance to have you in my arms, I bloody well would be. 

Then, you had to bring Captain Cardboard into the mix. Damn, it hadn’t even been a day since the spell had ended and already you’re trying to shack up with the Cub Scout. I’ll admit it – only now – as I stand here dangling from these chains. The things I did, the way I acted, was because of him. I was jealous, plain and simple. Damn soul! Makes you too introspective at times.

to show them who i am
why can't they understand
the things that they're denying
they're denying…

I came through in the end, didn’t I? Saved your bloody Scoobies, your watcher too, as they lay there drained and helpless from that spell, unable to defend themselves. They would have been vamp food, if it weren’t for yours truly. That had to count for something, right?

There I was, the whole next year, going against my nature. Helping you, just so I could be close to you. Even after all your cutting remarks, I still came back for more. You were in my blood. I just had to be around you. And, if it meant fighting demons, so be it. Sure, at first, it was an excuse. Then, I realized by helping you, I was making your job a little easier – your life a little easier. And after all the pain you’d been put through, it was time you had it a little easier.

Then that stuff went down with that hellgod, Glory. When I was brought before her, I knew, just knew, that I wasn’t walking out of there alive. But no way was I giving up the Niblet. Bitch was just going to have to kill me. I tried taunting her into doing it quickly. Then, somehow, I managed to break free - some half-baked idea that I don’t even remember anymore, coming into my head on how to escape. 

I finally made it back to my crypt with the help of the watcher and the whelp, to lick my wounds. To heal. My bones hadn’t mended yet before I was right back in the thick of things. But you needed my help and I’d walk on broken legs if I had to in order to do it. Too bad the others couldn’t see that. That I’d sacrifice all for you. All I remember from that time was the snide remarks cast my way by your friends as we desperately tried to leave the Sunnyhell behind.

In the end, I wasn’t good enough, fast enough. In the end, you died for us. I cried for you – I didn’t care who saw. Look at the pitiful, soulless demon, crying for the slayer.

Like you asked, I watched over Dawn. Made sure she was safe, protected, loved. My love for you was cast upon the remaining Summers girl. You would have been proud. Shoot, I even made sure your bloody Scoobies were ok. Your watcher too. Do you think they’d notice? Hell no. Bloody fuckin’ hypocrites.

so what should i do
just lay next to you
as though i’m unaffected

I remember sitting on that cot in your basement, my back leaning against the wall and a cigarette dangling from my fingers. I heard them whispering upstairs. About me, and why I’m even here. Not dust somewhere waiting for the Hoover. Vampire, remember? I bet they did it on purpose. They knew that I could hear them talking about me. And, God, Niblet’s words just cut through my soul: 

“And Spike could've sired countless others and buried them around town. And we're waiting for him to do what, exactly? Do something crazy?” 

and who should i be
when they're judging me
as though i’m unaffected

I took a final pull on my cigarette and smashed it out in the ashtray sitting on the cot. The rest of their conversation filtered down to me. Willow claiming in an unsure voice that you knew what you were doing. 

‘Ah Red, you lie so well.’ 

Xander hadn’t even bothered to comment. We all know his feelings on the matter. I’d be blowin’ in the wind if it were left up to him. 

Anya was the smart one. She knew that I was dangerous – still am dangerous – and with her usual bluntness, said so. Her honesty tugged a reluctant smile to my lips. 

a chance they'd never give
to ever want to live
the life that i am made of

Then you came downstairs. I prayed that you’d come to kill me. I was tired of being an instrument of destruction. I knew the First was using me in some way, just wasn’t sure how. It made me unsafe to be around. So rather than deal with the guilt I’d feel if something were to happen to you, I taunted you into ending it. Right then and there. I summoned all of the cocky attitude I could muster and I taunted you with it. 

You surprised me though. The words that flowed softly from your lips gave me a bit of hope. All the caustic remarks from your friends were forgotten in an instant as you told me that you believed in me. How you could see that I was trying to be a better man. I hung my head in defeat. I couldn’t fight against the words you voiced so convincingly. 

Then the crash sounded, drawing you away from my side, fear for your family evident as you rushed up the stairs to find out what the commotion was about. It was just a ploy though, a ruse to get me alone.  I’m the one the First wanted. 

“I guess it was me all along,” I mutter through cracked lips. My carved body screams in agony I refused to voice.  

there's nothing left to prove
my heart's forever true
what is it they're afraid of
afraid of...

She won’t break me - this vision before me that has taken your image, your voice. I relive the days of the past several years in my mind, determined not to crack, to once more shake off my sliver of humanity and revert to my old ways. I’m better than that now. Love for you has made me better. It’s part of what keeps me sane as I’m constantly tortured just for the sheer hell of it. 

Like a little torture would break me. No, the First doesn’t even begin to know what would break me. 

before they even saw my face
they knew that i was not the same
and decided i was not the one for you
for you...

With nothing but time on my hands, I think back to when I first came back to Sunnydale with my soul. Or should I say, back to when I wasn’t walking around tormented out of my mind by all the guilt. Whoever would have thought the pain that having a soul might cause? Surely not me. Although, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. 

I went to get it for you, only for you. Part of me was hoping that once I had it, your Scoobies would have a better opinion of me. Hell, I wasn’t even asking for decent, just a little less of the “can we stake him now” attitude they can’t give up... even now. Shoot, it wasn’t like they minded Angel before he went and lost his soul. 

Yet here I am, no clause that they need worry about. Does it matter to them? Hell no. They’ve made up their mind about me. What’s so bloody ironic is that all of them, at some time or another, have done something to hurt you and those around you. 

They just can’t see that you don’t have a normal life, that you will never lead a normal life. You’re the Chosen One. The Slayer. You are never going to have the husband, the house with the white picket fence around it, the two point five kids. 

Don’t they realize that I will love you until I am dust? That by having me around, your time here on this Earth is increased. Giving them more time to be surrounded by your presence. Apparently not, if the cold welcome I constantly receive is any indication.

so what should i do
i'm not unaffected
and who should i be
i'm not unaffected

Fuck it! Fuck them! I’m tired of caring what they think of me. You believe in me and that’s all that matters. I was just pandering to my slight bit of humanity anyway that they would one day view me as friends. And if not a friend, then at least a colleague, a fellow white hat. 

Maybe it’s better this way. I know I’m going to die soon, and I won’t have to be the catalyst for all your arguments between your friends. With me gone, you can concentrate all your efforts on defeating the First. Before I go, I’ll do everything in my power to aid you in that-

Damn, it looks like she’s back… it’s back… this is definitely not a she…and it’s damn sure not you.

“A knife, now, is it?” I mutter weakly. “What'll... what'll that...” I start, staring at the knife. “You… you can't hurt me. You're… you're just a bloody figment, you are. You're just...”

Then, you’re beside me, using the knife to cut me down. To bring me home. And, I know I’m not–



unaffected…


 

**  Unaffected ~ Lyrics by Hoobastank
 

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