Raiders of the Lost... Snark?

by SpikesKat

“Tell me again why I’m doing this?” Spike asked crossly after nearly falling face first in the dirt when he tripped over an exposed root. 

“Because I’m bloody well paying you,” Giles muttered as he pushed past the vampire and swiped at a cobweb hanging in his way. He ignored the few tarantulas he displaced, more concerned about the demons that might be lurking in the shadows than the rather large arachnids now uprooted from their homes. “Just my luck Buffy’s off on retreat and Xander’s working,” he added under his breath. 

Spike heard him, naturally – vamp hearing being what it was. 

“I heard that! Should charge you double my going rate,” Spike snapped. “You never said anything about caves and booby traps— Watcher! Look out!” 

Spike threw himself forward and tackled Giles to the ground as several spears flew through the air and imbedded in the wall opposite where they once stood. He earned a headache for his trouble, rolling off the man to grab at his head as he whimpered quietly in pain. 

“Spike! What—oh!” Giles had just noticed the spears. “My word! Er, thank you, Spike.” 

“Don’t mention it,” Spike gasped out as he climbed slowly to his feet. “Really!” he added when Giles went to say more. “I mean it. Don’t mention it. Ever.” 

Giles bristled and consulted his notes, straightening his glasses as he did so. “Ah, but of course. Beware the spears. I’d translated it as tears, as in God’s tears. I incorrectly assumed we were looking for a lake.” 

“Let’s hope you don’t make any more costly mistakes, yeah?” Spike growled as he pushed past the pain in his head and started walking again. 

“Uh? Spike?” 

“Wot?” Spike snapped. 

“It’s this way…” Giles pointed to the right. 

Spike growled again, cursed and changed directions. 

~*~*~*~*~ 

There were several other near misses – a burst of flames that almost flambéed Spike, arrows that fell just short of their mark. The latest, both of them nearly tumbling to their deaths when the bridge they had to cross gave out. 

“Any ideas for us getting back across?” 

“You can always turn into a bat and fly us back.” 

“Ha bloody ha,” Spike snorted. “A watcher with your level of experience should know that those particular parlor tricks are Drac’s thing. No self-respecting vamp would be caught dead masquerading as a flying mouse.” 

“It was just an idea.” 

“A bloody bad one. Try again.” 

Giles peered out over the wide expanse, then looked down. A long way down. He swallowed and backed away when he was suddenly overcome by a case of vertigo. 

“I’ll think of something. Come on. According to my notes, the location of the artifact shouldn’t be much farther.” 

The two continued walking, their way lit by the torches they carried. Several minutes later they walked around the corner and froze just inside a small room. 

“Right then. There it is. Go get it. I’ll wait right here.” Spike pulled out a cigarette and lit up. Gestured with one hand when Giles continued to stand there. “Well, go on, mate. Haven’t got all night. This vamp’s gotta be home before the sun comes up.” 

“What if there’s another booby trap?” Giles eyed the ancient artifact lying in plain sight with some trepidation. 

“Try not to set it off.” 

“Thank you. That’s very helpful,” Giles replied drolly.  

Spike touched his fingers to his brow in mock salute. 

“Spike…” 

“Fine!” Spike stalked forward and grabbed the small dagger from the shelf. “See? Nothing to it.” He sauntered back and handed the weapon to Giles, who immediately put it in his pouch for safe-keeping. 

“Thank you, Spike.” 

Spike grunted. 

“Well, as they say, ‘a rolling stone gathers no moss.’ I think we should leave while—” 

The ground trembled. The walls at the back of the room shook and started to collapse. A huge circular rock fell through the roof and started rolling in their direction. 

“Oh bollocks. More like ‘crushes toes’. Run!” 

Giles gaped. 

“Bloody hell, Watcher!” Spike grabbed Giles’ tweed collar and yanked. “Run!” 

They ran back the way they’d come. Only to grind to a screeching halt when they reached the broken bridge. 

“We gotta jump,” Spike said in all seriousness. 

“Jump. Are you insane? We’ll break our fool necks. Or I will, at any rate. You… you, I don’t know what will happen to you.” 

“We either jump or get smashed to bits by the huge boulder that’s coming our way! You know… the one that was right on our arse!” 

A gushing wind filled the corridor as the rock approached, the noise grew deafening. 

Spike pushed Giles off the ledge, pausing only long enough to smirk at the man’s girlish scream before jumping himself. 

“Son of a…”

“BITCH!” 

Spike woke with a start, one hand clasped over his chest. His gaze darted about the room as he tried to get his bearings, briefly lighting on Giles’ pinched face before fixating on the television screen. 

He pointed to it almost accusingly. 

“What the hell is that?” 

“I’m sure I don’t know,” Giles replied and walked over to turn off the television. “Xander was watching a program but had to leave for work. A shame really because I needed his help with something. I don’t suppose you—” 

“NO!” Spike practically shouted, cutting him off. 

Giles sighed. “I’ll pay you. Double your going rate.” 

“Trust me, Watcher. You couldn’t pay me enough for what you want.”

The End

Want to leave a REVIEW?